Boundaries Are Self-Care

So many of the clients I see are ex-people pleasers and recovering perfectionists.  As such, they may have severely struggled with boundaries.

I recently saw an Instagram post (yes, I realize what I just admitted!) that said “Boundaries are the way I love you while still loving myself” and I have thought about that sentiment quite a lot since.  I believe that boundaries are not only an essential part of mental health and wellness, but also fundamental in emotional regulation and interpersonal effectiveness; and yet…. most people don’t really know what “boundaries” even mean.  This topic is so much more expansive than I can encapsulate in an email, but I hope this might be a good starting point. Here are some of the types of boundaries:

Physical Boundaries:  Physical boundaries involve your personal space, your physical needs and/or your physical body.  Examples of physical boundaries can be: telling someone that you don’t like to be hugged or tickled, asking someone not to enter your room when you are not home, or that you need privacy in the bathroom.

Emotional Boundaries: These type of boundaries are limits that you place on emotions and energy that you offer and receive inside of relationships.  These can include: saying no, making time for yourself, advocating for things that you believe in, not answering the phone if you don’t want to, asking someone not to gossip with you about others.

Material Boundaries: Material boundaries are ones that involve your stuff and whether or not you let people borrow it, take it, use it, move it, clean it, touch it…

Time Boundaries: This type of boundary is exactly what it sounds like- boundaries around time.  Examples include: telling someone you will only stay for an hour, not answering emails past 5pm, and not working on weekends.

Sexual Boundaries: Sexual boundaries are what we are willing or not willing to do sexually and/or intimately.  These type of boundaries are incredibly important and are a critical part of consent.  These can include saying no to sex even with partners you have been with before or demanding use of protection.

Intellectual Boundaries: Intellectual boundaries have to do with conversation, ideas and discussion.  When you ask someone not to talk about politics, this is an intellectual boundary.  Other ones can look like asserting for how you want to be talked to, such as refusing to be gaslit or name-called.

Most of us aren’t taught to want boundaries, let alone ask for them, so if you struggle with understanding your own or asserting for them, you are not alone . I would highly recommend speaking to a mental health professional for a deeper look into your own needs, boundaries and communication.