Not too long ago, some “relationship experts” were creating a frenzy around “high-value” men. One suggested that women over age 35 do not qualify for such a man. The question now is, what is considered a “high-value”man? Is it a man who makes lots of money and is obsessed with vanity? Or is it a man who honors what his partner values? I argue that it is the latter.

Gaining clarity on your values is the only way to find a man of value. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), clients are encouraged to make life choices based on their values rather than goals. ACT Psychotherapist Russ Harris defines values as “how we behave in this moment and on an ongoing basis”. In this respect, values give us direction, and goals are our destination. So, if you are clear on your values and infuse them into your dating habits, you are more likely to find your high-value man.

Dating a man who emphasizes your looks and youth increases the likelihood of a short lived relationship. Longevity is possible with a man that shares the same vigor and energy in the areas of life that matter to you. The assumption is that all women are looking for longevity in a relationship. The reality is this not true for all women. Some women value uninhibited intimacy and glamor.

Now, how in the world do you obtain an understanding of your values? A helpful tool would be a values questionnaire. The purpose of the questionnaire is to evaluate your values in various domains. The questionnaire will allow you to reflect on the person you want to be rather than the person society dictates. Formulating an understanding of your values can help you weed out incompatible men.

The one-size fits all approach to relationships and dating has the potential to push compatible partners apart. The man that wishes to split the dinner may genuinely believe in gender equality. A woman who values this may not be able to appreciate him because the general consensus says men should pay the bills. Asking questions and communicating values are helpful in avoiding such misjudgments.

Photo Credit:

Metehan Demirkaya

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