The #1 Thing I Hear From Clients

One of the questions I get the most as a therapist is “what do people even talk about in therapy?”.  The truth is people talk about all sorts of things for all sorts of reasons, but the number ONE thing I hear from clients is that they are stuck.

This sentiment is shared by people of all ages and walks of life.  People feel stuck in singledom and worry they will never find a partner.  They feel stuck in marriages and fear that their needs will never get met.  They feel stuck at work, stuck creatively, stuck in a physical location, stuck financially.  They feel trapped in their lives and see no way out.

But here’s the catch.  It’s all BS.  We are only as stuck as we believe ourselves to be.  I will say that again: we are only as stuck as we believe ourselves to be.  Being “stuck” is a just a thought, a powerful one, yes.  But it is not a truth, a reality, or a fact.  It is simply a perception.

If you are reading this and thinking “what the hell does she know about my life? It is not that easy.  I have responsibilities, kids, bills, a marriage, family obligations, others expectations, a business…” I am going to ask you pause.

I am NOT arguing that changing our lives is easy.  It is not.  In fact it can be difficult, stressful, and sometimes even ugly.  But I just want you to let in the idea that no matter how hard, change is always possible.

What I ask you to bring to the table and consider is what I call my “Big Three:” patience, flexibility and creativity.

Life, transitions and change don’t always unfold the way we want them to, but with the Big Three on your side, the impossible starts to suddenly seem possible.  There is a LOT of room between what is an what can be.  One of my favorite affirmations is “we are only one decision away from an entirely different life”.

I am not arguing for burning your life to the ground or abandoning responsibilities (or even advocating for an “entirely different life”), but I am asking you to let go of the idea that change is outside of yourself.  Reconnect to your personal empowerment and know that you are the dictator of your own life.

All relationships can change.  If we are unhappy in our relationships, we can advocate for our need with our partners.  We can change our own response patterns.   We can ask for more.  We can seek counsel.  We can even leave.

All jobs can be renegotiated.  We can ask for raises, draw better boundaries, start applying for new opportunities, network with colleagues, learn new skills.

If we are unhappy in a neighborhood, or a community, or a school, with a doctor, in our religion… all of those can be changed too.

There is literally nothing in our lives that is an absolute.

At first these ideas can feel totally overwhelming and you might notice a lot of resistance.  But in reality, personal empowerment and responsibility over your own life is liberating as hell.   It means you are the author.  You create your reality.  You are unstoppable.

I have seen unbelievable things happen when people let go of their limiting beliefs and start to take responsibility for their own choices.

I recently watched a long-term client go from a dead-end job that was insufferable to starting their own bakery business, a passion they had been denying for decades.  I have seen clients leave long-term relationships in favor of healthy ones, or even to try on being single.  I have seen people move across towns, state lines, even countries.

One of my dearest friends left her long-term career in the service industry to go to school, get her degree and become a special needs elementary school teacher, celebrating her first day as a teacher just yesterday.

Another incredibly close friend went on vacation in Honduras and loved it so much, she left her extremely successful career as an executive working alongside major celebrities, invested in the island and trained to be a scuba instructor.

My own brother turned his love and knowledge of old-school video games and made it into not only a passion project but a part-time career.  My virtual assistant started her own company in her mid-20s.

Change is always possible.

I, myself, went from being an anxiety-ridden workaholic living in NYC to living my best slowed-down life in rural NJ as an online therapist, a transition that was a decade in the making and required me to completely start over from the ground up.

People leave jobs, relationships, thoughts, patterns, religions, places, behaviors, homes, and ideas all of the time.

So if you are finding yourself stuck, stop.  Lean in.  Get curious.  Where in your life do you need more room?  What are you missing?  What narratives and limiting thoughts do you have about why change would be so impossible?  What fears are holding you back?  What are your unmet needs?  How can you start to give energy to them?

This doesn’t mean you need to change your life tomorrow.  Just exploring can be the first step in taking ownership and pride over your own life.  Don’t let life just happen to you.  Create the life you want to live.