What is a Sense of Self?

A fragile sense of self creates feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, and causes us to operate mostly out of defense mechanisms in order to protect our uncertain feelings of self-worth. A strong sense of self creates feelings of confidence and self-worth, leading us to live a fulfilling and authentic life!

Have you ever heard your therapist talk about your “sense of self” and wondered what that really means? To me, your sense of self is your self concept which can either be strong (confident) or fragile (insecure). It is directly related to your internal working model, a concept that comes from the work of John Bowlby (the father of attachment theory). Your internal working model is a set of mental representations that you develop during childhood and includes your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world around you, and your expectations for how relationships should work, all based on your early experiences with your parents or caregivers.

The internal working model that you develop in childhood directly shapes your sense of self in adulthood. For example, if you had a secure attachment with your caregivers and received reliable and consistent emotional attunement and care, you are more likely to have developed a positive internal working model that includes beliefs about yourself as lovable and worthy of care. You may also have learned to expect that relationships are safe and supportive, and that others can be trusted. This leads to having a strong sense of self in adulthood.

A strong sense of self means that we feel confident in who we are, and we are less impacted by the negative feedback or judgment of others. It’s easy for us to have empathy for others, but we are also capable of setting healthy boundaries because we recognize that we have a right to set them. Additionally, when we make mistakes, we easily engage in self-compassion and self-love, because we experienced compassion and emotional attunement as children, so we worry less about making mistakes and we do not have an intense fear of failure. We are also deeply connected to our inner voice and make choices that lead us to our authentic life path! Lastly, we tend to cultivate healthy and supportive intimate partner relationships, because we trust others to show up for us, and we trust in ourselves to navigate hardship.

On the other hand, if we had an insecure attachment with our caregivers, we may have developed a negative internal working model that includes beliefs about ourselves as unworthy or unlovable. If our parents or caregivers were not consistently and reliably attuned to our emotions or needs, we may have developed a negative view of ourselves, or a fragile sense of self. We may often experience feelings of insecurity, shame, or inadequacy, which can lead to emotional and behavioral problems throughout life. For some of us, it can be more challenging to have empathy for others, because we didn’t experience a proper empathic connection from our caregivers growing up. We may have very rigid boundaries that keep people at a distance. On the flip side, we may have too much empathy toward others as a resourceful way to seek affection and external validation for our worth. This makes boundary setting very difficult due to a fear of rejection or conflict. When we do make mistakes, we struggle to engage in self-compassion and self-love, or we avoid it altogether, because it feels very foreign as a result of rarely receiving compassion and validation during our development.

We tend to operate very disconnected from our inner voice, and we may attach our worth to what we have accomplished instead of who we authentically are, setting us up for a life of seeking external validation for our worth, but never truly feeling solid in our selves, and never feeling truly celebrated, loved, or worthy. We may also have learned to expect that relationships are unreliable or even dangerous. All of this inner child wounding often leads to us having a fragile sense of self in adulthood.

These early negative beliefs and expectations that result in developing a fragile sense of self also influence our behavior and decision-making throughout our lives as we navigate insecurities. Struggling with a fragile sense of self means we may struggle with low self-esteem or have difficulty trusting others. We may also be more likely to engage in self-destructive behavior or repeat negative patterns in relationships because we tend to operate primarily from our defense mechanisms to avoid feeling even more insecurity, shame, or inadequacy than we already feel. We are also deeply fearful of failure and so we make choices that may not be authentic and fulfilling for us. We also tend to have difficulty in close relationships throughout life because we struggle to ever trust that anyone can truly love us for who we are.

If you feel that you have developed a negative internal working model, or fragile sense of self, it is not set in stone! Our sense of self can be improved over time through consistent healthy relationships, through therapy, or other forms of self-improvement. By becoming aware of your negative beliefs and expectations about yourself and others, and understanding that they are a product of unhealthy early experiences in close relationships and they have nothing to do with your actual worth, you can challenge them and develop a more positive sense of self. You can also learn to form healthy relationships and trust others to love you for who you are, because even if you end up getting hurt, you know it is not a reflection of your self worth.

In conclusion, the internal working model that we develop in childhood significantly impacts our sense of self in adulthood. A fragile sense of self creates feelings of self-doubt and insecurity, and causes us to operate mostly out of defense mechanisms in order to protect our uncertain feelings of self-worth. A strong sense of self creates feelings of confidence and self-worth, leading us to live a fulfilling and authentic life! By recognizing and challenging negative beliefs and expectations as a result of inner child wounding, we can work towards developing a more positive and healthy internal working model, and ultimately a stronger sense of self. We can improve our relationships with others over time, and start to trust our inner voice and make choices that help us experience our most authentic and fulfilling life path, with confidence!

Kaci Smith, LMFT